The Sound of Silence

Here’s the thing about depression, and this applies equally to anxiety or just about any mental health issue. It never goes away. The only way to truly understand it is to experience it, as no amount of empathy can prepare you for a constant battle with your own mind.
There are medicines that can subdue it, and therapy that can help you understand it and learn to live with it, but there is no cure. Once it has become part of your life, it never leaves. It becomes a part of you, your very being. It is not what we have, but who we are now. No amount of either hugs or drugs will make it permanently leave.
It is not, as so many misunderstand, bouts of sadness, or feeling a bit low. It is enveloping, it is occupation of the territory of your very self. It does not need a reason, nor a trigger, it just is. It is not attention seeking, it is not a lack of spirit of will, it is unconditional surrender to your own limits, your own weaknesses, it is hyperawareness of your own faults. It is not always visible and can easily be hidden behind a surface smile or busy activity.
Ironically, it is only acceptance of its inevitability that makes it tolerable. If a black dog is going to follow you around anyway, accepting it, recognising it as a companion makes that easier.
We all handle it in different ways. For me, not being afraid to own up to it helps. I grew up in a time and culture where emotion was seen as weakness, and vulnerability as risible. I have had to push back against that upbringing and accept myself. I choose to be open about the struggle, but even that can be an internal battle. Fighting with yourself can make you retreat within yourself, shutting others out. We don’t always mean or even want to do that, but if we do, it is more about protecting ourselves than rejecting anyone else. We know it can be misunderstood, but we feel safer wrapped in our own protective bubble and bursting it to try to get to us can make us feel worse, more exposed, more threatened, more vulnerable. Your best intentions can do more harm than good if you do not understand that.
I’ll tell you what, though. Listening helps us. We often have our guard up, and we know that may frustrate you, and sometimes we may not want to talk, but when we do, having someone just listen, not comment, not judge, not try to solve or fix anything, but just hear us, that helps. There is much to be said for silent attentiveness.